What happens when we yearn for change and growth in our lives, and suddenly, we are presented with the opportunity for which we have longed? If you are like me, an inner part of you responds with an excited “Yes, yes, yes!” Then fear kicks in, and your mind starts its flurry of all the reasons why you should retreat and stay where all is known — its version of safe and secure.
About three months ago, I responded to a job opening that would provide the opportunity I had yearned for to stretch and grow professionally. It was the same position that I had talked myself out of applying for a year previously. At that time, I had felt the same excitement about the possibilities that this position presented. I had even queried the director about the position, and then, I talked myself out of it. Initially, that decision felt safe and secure, but it wasn’t long before I regretted my decision to pull back. I had played it safe, or safe as my mind perceived it, and I had missed an opportunity to respond to my inner calling and to spread my wings.
It was almost a year later that the same position was posted, and this time there was not one opening but two. I sensed that I was being given another opportunity, and that if I didn’t take advantage of it this time, the opportunity might not come again. Knowing my tendency to self-sabotage, I told my daughter and a dear friend about the position and my intention to apply so that they could help to hold me accountable to my oft-expressed desire to stretch and grow.
The result of that application was a job offer. In the moment that I said yes, the wheels were set in motion for a momentous life change — not only a job change, but a physical move as well — and an opportunity to put into practice all that I have learned on my path to spiritual awareness. It soon became clear that I didn’t recognize the opportunity at first.
As I moved into the first days and weeks of this transition, it felt like I was in the midst of an inner battle. I know that the word “battle” sounds melodramatic and overstated, but that is how it felt. As much as I had yearned for just such an opportunity, in the moment that I said yes, the floodgates to all my fears and insecurities about moving into the unknown opened. Wave after wave of intense fear rose in me. All of the pain of previous moves that had been motivated by heartbreak and the need to get out of unhealthy living situations clutched at my heart again. It seemed to me that I had to push through the wall of fear that rose again and again within me, or it would keep me small and limited. If I wanted to live freely and follow my soul’s calling, I had to ride out what felt like an inner battle between expansion and the inner freedom to be all that I can be versus contraction and self-limiting beliefs. As I struggled to function in the midst of all this inner contraction, the arrangements for my move kept falling into place… in spite of me. Everywhere I turned, there were people to guide me and to support each step that I took. Even as emotions overwhelmed me again and again, I received reassurance and affirmations from every direction. It seemed that as soon as I said yes, the Universe took over and guided my every step.
I began to note messages of support for change in the daily quotes and inspirational messages that I receive. My daily readings from A Course in Miracles helped to ground me in reflection and prayer as I started my day, but I struggled to maintain my inner knowing through the day. I knew that I needed help, and I cried out to Holy Spirit to guide me through this inner challenge. It was then that I was called back to the untethered soul by Michael A. Singer. As I re-immersed myself in his writing, I realized that it wasn’t an inner battle that I was experiencing; it was a releasing and cleansing of fears, self-limiting beliefs, and old pain that I had locked down within me for years. I didn’t have to fight with or through these intense contractions; I didn’t need to get drawn into the pull of their powerful energy. All I had to do was to be the one who observed the recurring waves of emotional pain that rose within me. In the moment that I felt inner contraction, I had to make a conscious decision to get centred within my soul and observe the rising energy. I realized very quickly that when I took the observer role, that old pain hurt but it released and passed. When I fed into it, it strengthened and took me over.
This became my practice: notice the inner contraction in the moment it began, observe it, and allow it to release. Every time it happened, I repeated over and over to myself “I AM.” Those two words grounded me in my true identity in the face of limitations imposed by old beliefs and conditioning. Several weeks into this period of transition, I am here to tell you that the practice works. The fear and pain continue to rise within me, but the intensity and frequency have dissipated considerably. With each painful memory that rises, with each fear that attempts to limit me, I recognize and celebrate the cleansing that is occurring. This is my path to true inner freedom. It is not a battlefield nor is it something that I have to try to push through. I just have to observe, release, and allow the purging of all that serves to limit and hold me back. I just have to get out of my head and out of the way.
I am learning to watch my fears that rise and rise again. I am realizing that they come and they go, and I am still here, the watcher, the one who notices the fear and anxiety, and the one who remains as they pass. I am being called to live what I have come to understand… to rest in what is true safety and security — my soul, my consciousness, my inner Self, my inner awareness, God within me — the name matters not…only the deep peace and knowing that is truly me.
May you find the true safety and security that is within you and that connects all of us. Open into the I AM that we are and experience the knowing that all is well and that we are Divinely guided always. Namaste, my dears! 🙂